First let me say, that I apologize for not writing anything since early July. My life has been taken over by a 10 year old boy, two sweet, sticky toddlers, laundry, housework, vacations, district trainings, online courses, and, well, a fetus. We’ll be expecting a fourth child (I don’t like odd numbers!) in February. I’m due on February 7th, my maternal grandmother’s birthday!
Now that we’ve addressed the formalities, let me educate you on what is okay and not okay to ask a pregnant person. There are varying degrees of acceptable-ness, depending on how well you know the mother-to-be. This training is aimed toward those mothers-to-be with whom you are only moderately close or don’t know well at all. If your very close friend is having a baby, you be the judge on what she’ll be comfortable with.
It is certainly okay to ask the following questions: When are you due? How are you feeling? Did you tell the other kids yet and how did they react? Where will you deliver? etc. These questions are not of a personal nature. They do not impede on a person’s right to privacy.
There are myriad other questions that pregnant women may be uncomfortable discussing with near-strangers; questions that revolve around nursing, natural child-birth, co-sleeping, etc. But, there is one question that you must never, ever ask.
That one question that you must never, never ask a pregnant woman who you are only moderately close to is: Was this planned? Let me tell you why. When you ask that question, you are implying that it is not the right time for that woman to be having a(nother) child. You are also infringing on that woman’s right to privacy with regards to her own family planning. You also may imply that the woman has no idea how children are made and that she haphazardly… procreates… when she is not intending on having children. And, even if that were true, its none of your business.
So, you may ask your close friends that question if you think they can handle it… and most likely, your best girlfriends will tell you eventually anyway. But, you must never, never ask a woman if she planned to get pregnant if she is on any social circle outside of what you consider to be your closest friends. And, men, you may as well not ever ask that question.
Now I have you curious, I’m sure… Did Sarah plan to have another child with Baby J being so young? Let me just tell you this: Curiosity killed the cat.
Hmmm! I think I already asked you that! In my defense, I think we have had discussions on that topic long before.
You’re close enough… And that was not the way you asked it, by the way. Your scruples are still intact, friend!
I figured we have probably gotten to more intimate details than that at times. But I definitely agree about the questions.
The “so you are trying for a boy,,,” comments got me. Like the 2nd and 3rd girls were just mistakes or something.
And the “do you know what it is? ‘No” what are you hoping for? I said “well Molly and Beth hope its a puppy but Id rather have a baby”
Ha! You should hear the questions you get when you choose to adopt!
I was just thinking about you today and wondering when you were going to blog again. Blogging is more fun for me when more people I know do it. Kind of like facebook. Anyway, welcome back. Hope to hear more from you soon.
(Oh, and congrats again!)
I bet you get nosy questions when you adopt! I grew up knowing some adoptive families and, as a kid, I was always amazed that a mom and dad could just “get” a baby. I didn’t even really know where the other ones came from! And now I know there is probably so much more to adopting than just picking out some baby! I think it’s neat! I’ve thought about doing it, too. Surely no one would ask me if it was planned- of course it was! Unless you personally know the stork who just may drop by!
See ? Just as I told you… You’re a great mom !
Congratulations, I’m so happy for you.
Read this post for some good comebacks for comments on your family size.
http://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2010/08/just-lucky.html
For men, the ettiquette is even harder because of our natural tendencies to not pay attention. Bottom line is you’ll mess it up (i.e. never ask a woman if she is pregnant or anything about her pregnancy because it’ll turn out she is not and you’ll feel like an idiot). So if I may educate the male readers, here’s the rule: don’t ask anything. After 2.5 pregnancies, I feel like I could probably get away with asking Sarah a question (my wife is her best firend after all), but I know full well, that I’ll screw something up and then my wife will beat me for stupidity. So just don’t so it. Besides, if you really want to know something, Riley can’t keep quite about anything and he’s pretty hard to upset.
Good points, John. I saw Riley get rattled one Fourth of July when he found out he was a “drain on society” but I think that was the same weekend Jessie found out about her “possible learning disability” so we’ll just let that one slide…
Ah yes, my “learning disability”… Thankfully even with that challenge I’m able to do pregnancy math in my head and refrain from asking pregnant ladies stupid questions!
I have always loved this post and have had it my head to refer back to it when it applies to me again. I wish i could share this with people in my town when they find out about baby #4. I am dreading the questions and comments, so until then I will keep it a secret for as long as I can!
Jenny, your comment reminded me of this post, I’m thinking of printing it out and hanging photo copies around town… Between the “was it planned” and “so you want a boy then” comments it’s amazing that their are any curious cats left alive around here!
Oh yeah! Before I was even pregnant people would ask me if I was done having kids or do I want to try for a girl. My math and statistic skills are not the greatest, all I know is that my chances of having a girl are pretty slim.
Ok. So, congrats, Jenny? Does this mean there is a fourth on the way? I didn’t want to get prematurely excited for you!
Yes! Thank you!